I know I'm not alone in having squandered my life through what was, in large measure, an emotional wasteland. I fooled myself, and sold myself short by being very busy, hyper active. But I was obeying a head full of irrational ideas of what ought to be, or would be if only I tried harder.

As it were I'm pausing for readers of this pamphlet who will, when they're not too fearful, admit that sense of waste in their own lives, of being forlorn and lost, down a well without a paddle. In that state we are depressed and apt to promise too much. In it we're almost unable to form meaningful relationships.

But of what are we so fearful?

Having heard him speak I struggled to categorise my fears. They were legion and it took months. My break through came when I realised I was fearful of success and the responsibility that comes with it. Yet by that time I had been a good enough step father and that was under my belt. A start maybe, but a long way to go.

And it still gets to me. The old fearful habits won't lie down. 'Don't upset your mother my son' was real education - it stuck. There's always someone who must not be upset, someone who will ridicule and criticise. Even if we grow the skin of a rhinoceros we''ll sense those fears in a tone of voice or an email from someone with good intentions; but the road to hell is paved with such.

So we need new friends to affirm us and beg us, again and again, to know that we are loveable and what we bring to life is good - good enough. This is re education in a big way and will take as long as we live, for ever.

It's your turn. What's your arid zone? Three more seem to be taking shape.

• that of being 'unequally yoked' at work or in the family
• the family itself in which we are trapped as in a quicksand and held tight
• where ever we try too hard, take on too much and never get it right

And do remember in each of my arid zones I found

1. The tyranny of the ideal
2. The spoiled child syndrome
3. The spirit of capitalism, as it were the gift of God
4. The stigmatisation of many of us by 'Normals'

Running through my experience we find

• tyrants and control freaks lurking to devour who they can
• the irrationality of trying to do what cannot be done
• ordinary people who 'don't seem to matter' becoming invisible
• those of us going through life unaware of our own valid feelings.

In such environments we feel inadequate and lack a fundamental confidence; as with no mind of our own and feelings that don't count we can't win and, by default resort to trying the lottery or look to be rescued by a white knight or sink into oblivion.

If you've got what it takes to pick up and run with this idea of identifying your wasted years you'll need all the help you can muster. You'll probably find the following rehumanisation process makes sense and from now on in you'll value every day as it comes.